Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Silver Elite

A year of flying all over the place
At last you have what you've always chased
No more cattle car with no room for your feet
You've been upgraded 'cause you are Silver Elite.

It took thirty segments to achieve such status
But now you enjoy booze and beer gratis
That's not all, as your bags also fly free
Even if you've packed a whole Christmas tree.

You board first and there's always plenty of room
And you laugh when bins fill and the others they fume
Legs stretched and seats back you enjoy a free drink
To the back of the plane, zones three and four slink.

Even when you land, the perks don't end
You now have bonus miles to save or to spend
On a layover, then it's off to next first class seat
Because only Gold and Platinum have Silver beat.

Monday, June 13, 2011

What's App'ening?

Talking and texting are such a bore
I got my phone strictly for the app store.
Games and weather and maps and more
Gone are the days of landlines yore.

At first it was a couple, just a few
But then I got one that kept track of my brews
Named Last Call, it plotted your buzz
And offered local lawyers to help you out with the fuzz.

Then there was golf, well Super Stickman
Which is great for killing time, no matter the span.
Course after course, you can sit and play
It gets even better, for this one you don't pay.

You can challenge friends at finding words
And spend hours on the popular Angry Birds.
Check scores from the couch without leaving your seat
To see it's the Rays the Tigers have beat.

But by far my favorite is Words with Friends
Like Scrabble, but better, this game transcends
Double words, triple letters is where you make your mark
Points upon points for words like disembark.

So hang up that call, and ignore that text
Don't go work out, don't give your muscles a flex
Sit back and enjoy all the wonderful apps
And if you are feeling lucky - challenge me, perhaps.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Haiku Monday

Animal Kingdom
The church, the punch and the Dean
All Derby winners.

You can't tell who won
So you stand and wait forever
The longshot runs first.

Sporting navy blue
P.U.B. runs small but strong
A May tradition.

A crawl detour
to The Boardroom leads to the
worst dirty girl scout.

80 degrees when
I order some new flip flops
Then it snows, fuck me.

I paid twenty-five
bucks for Delta to lose my
bag. Not a good deal.

My World Series bets
are all playing like dog shit
3 teams dead to me.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


The trip always starts with a simple phone call
Hi Tim, we're on our way, going to have a ball.
He asks who we like, what's the plan, how much for a drink
Don't know yet, booze and bets, about 8 bucks I think.

We arrive at the hotel, and all get checked in
And wonder if our dinner will include any twins.
Or preggos, since that seems to be our M.O.
Leave Hooters and hit up 4th Street like whoa.

Stumble home at 3 and try for some shut eye
Who pissed in my suitcase, oh yeah, that guy.
Fail to make waffles down in the lobby
Then head to the Church, our new favorite hobby.

Down some beers, crack some jokes and catch a ride
Dropped at the gate, where's our horse racing guide?
Infield bound, flush with cash, it's time to get down
Pick 6's, exactas, the first leg of the triple crown.

Wins offset losses, but not juleps of mint
Another race starts, to see a horse you must squint.
Ripped up tickets for the losers, garland roses for the winner
A long walk back to the car before a hearty KFC dinner.

Sun burned and drunk, we head back to the room
The NBA is on, some team's getting the broom.
Wake up early, survey the damage, always a slaughter
One last tradition, a stop at Wendy's in Coldwater.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Closing Doors

The Sahara is closing after nearly 70 years
To some jeers and sneers, but mostly cheers
70 years of slot machines and the Rat Pack
And even that dumb side bet on the tables of blackjack.

One of the originals, way down on the north end
Without much one would recommend
But it did have a roller coaster right out front
The no one ever rode, surely a failed stunt.

An early trip took us to their all you can eat buffet
Sadly I never had a chance to hit the Nascar Cafe
But I did play a ton of dollar twenty-one
And drank. And drank. And drank a ton.

Now that end of the strip is starting to go bare
All that remain are The Strat, Circus Circus and the Rivier-a
Will they implode it and build something new?
I bid the Sahara a hearty adieu.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Where have you gone Tara Reid?

Before there was Paris, or Lindsay or Heidi
Before Teen Mom and that trainwreck Britney
Before there was tape of Kim doing the deed
There was you, the original, Tara Reid.

Botched lipo and boob jobs
Your ego swelled and throbbed
From starring in Lebowski and Pie
To attending events with Tom Brady, black tie

But it didn't last, you fell hard
Now you can't even find a commercial to star
Memories of Taradise seem so long ago
You can't even get a guest spot on a friend's show

So you sit back and watch all your old party friends
And wish you were the one in front of the lens
You paved the way for sluttiness and greed
An original, the first, my favorite, Tara Reid.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Friday Haiku

I can't freaking wait
to get to Florida for
Eighty-five degrees.

CFA and sun
What more can one ask for?
When it is cold out.

Never used to like
the swamp and stickiness of
Florida. Now? Love.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


No, no, God no
Is what immediately ran through my head
This move sucks, it blows
Tell me it's not true, I pled.

No Miles, No Harbaugh, but someone named Hoke?
From the Mountain West, a high school league
Surely David Brandon is playing a joke
He'll hire a real coach after all of this intrigue.

But alas, it's true, the big man comes east
I fear the headlines now, what a choke
Not just on dinners, but hopefully the Big Ten he'll feast.
I never thought Michigan would be coached by Brady Hoke.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Bring on, The Hat?

Wait. What? Jimmy isn't on his way?
Brandon waited all this time, had a huge delay
Fired Rich and was certain to bring home number 4
To usher in some titles, and send losing out the door.

But of course, it got fouled up
Harbaugh's gone to the pros leaving us with some schlub
Who looks like Fred Flintstone and coaches in San Diego
If only there was some other link to past glory and Bo

Oh, but there is, but he comes with issues.
After botching timeouts, he leaves fans holding tissues.
But he can recruit and he hates State
And his past teams have been good to great

So despite his penchant for chewing grass
Oversigning players and treating them like ass
He's better than Hoke, he's got the stats
Bring on Les Miles, bring on The Hat.

(God, I hope this is the last of these I do.)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Bring on Jimmy

Rarely does one game sum up 3 years
A performance so bad, it required many beers.
No defense, a sputtering offense, missing a field goal
Add it all up and it's an embarrassing loss in the Gator Bowl.
Coming in I was hopeful, a win would right the ship
Save Rich's job, let Denard take us on a wonderful trip.
But now, I've had it, I've never been this low
Given chance after chance, but it's obvious that Rich really blows.
So, bring on the man from Stanford, his name is Jim Harbaugh
and let him rip through the Big Ten like a finely tuned chainsaw.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Happy Festivus

The pole, feats of strength
and airing of grievances
Happy Festivus!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

U.P. State of Mind

(Yes, I realize these stopped being funny 2 years ago.)

Yeah Yeah, I'ma up at the Sault, now I'm down in Marquette
Right next to the Gipper, but I hate Notre Dame forever
I'm the new James Tolkan, 'cept with a lot more hair
Can you believe it's $3.50, yeah that's the bridge fair?

I used to walk to Hob Nob, with all of my Yooper cousins
Right there up on 13th, buying cards by the dozens
Now I hit casinos, King's Club or the Island
The only places in the state where you can still puff a smoke.

Standing at the Soo locks, watching water fill it up
Rising so slow, might see yourself a bear cub
Me, I'm up at Ishpe, birthplace of Seaborgium
I bet you didn't know that's where Seaborg's from.

Say what up to Izzo, still playing bingo
Haven't had a governor since the days of Jim Crow
Get yourself a pasty, better than the lake trout
Tell by my accent that I'm most definitely from

The U.P. Pine Mountain Jump ain't nothing to sneeze at
Two hundred feet way up, now you're a yooper
Almost became its' own state, Jacobetti will have to wait
Let's hear it for U.P., U.P., U.P.

Catch me in the woods with some friends for a deer hunt
Never leave the cabin 'cause we're drunk and there's a cold front
Snow piled high, yo, can't even see the mailbox
Only thing that warms you up is a double whiskey on the rocks.

Welcome to the Yooper Dome, it's got 5 acres to roam
Made entirely of wood, home of the Wildcats
Downhill ski, cross country, snowmobiles, and snow shoes
Up here, we're in a constant state of winter wonderland, yo.

200 waterfalls, up here in the U.P.
Don't have time to see them all, even though it is free
Me, I gotta say my fav was Tahquamenon
Way better than Niagara, New York should pass the baton.

Traded for Toledo, take that you Buckeyes
Wouldn't give it back, no not even for Cleveland
Mackinac Island, Pictured Rocks of Munising
I'm from the tippy-top of the Great Lakes state that's

The U.P. Lake Superior ain't nothing to swim in
Never gets above sixty, now you're a yooper
Smoked fish sold at the gas and go, frostbite on all your toes
Let's hear it for U.P., U.P., U.P.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

A Hex(or) on my Flexor

I awoke on a Wednesday and something was wrong
Pain in my leg, I hope it doesn't last long
It was a struggle just to roll out of bed
My right peg was acting as if it was dead
Shuffle to the shower and try to jump in
But my day of pain was just set to begin
Unable to lift much more than an inch
Just putting on a sock would cause me to flinch
Getting into the car was also a chore
Having to lift my dead leg inside of the door
Everywhere I walked, I was forced to go slow
As I dragged my injured leg, right down to the toe
So what was the source of my infinite pain?
My hip flexor surely has a humongous strain.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

World Cup

A decent 2010 for the red, white and blue
Excitement at levels to the signing of Adu.
A bid for the Cup in 12 years made sense.
FIFA would do right, they couldn't be that dense.
So Clinton and Freeman arrived with a plan
To win they'd have to best Australia, Qatar and Japan.
Japan hosted just 8 years ago, it's been twice that for the US
The Aussies have come on, but they weren't a success.
It wasn't a lock, but it seemed the right choice
When they made the announcement, a country would rejoice
But Blatter pulled a fast one, his decision quite bizarre
The 2022 World Cup is headed to Qatar.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Like a (Pontiac) G6

Sliding all over the ice, in a blizzard
To get in the backseat, be a wizard
Anytime you need repairs, ain't no quick fix
Can't believe I bought this car, Pontiac G6
Like a G6, like a G6
Gonna be pushing it home, like a G6
Like a G6, like a G6
Gonna be pushing it home, like a G6

Gimme the car-car keys
Gimme the map-map home
Mid-size piece of crap, car can barely do a lap
Got a full tank, we got to get on our way
Forget this place, getting clowned by the valet.

On the floor, yeah, we flooring it
Pull up to a light, no one wants to look at my car
Rev the engine, but no one wants to race my car
Chuckles and sneers, everyone pointing at my car

Sliding all over the ice, in a blizzard
To get in the backseat, be a wizard
Anytime you need repairs, ain't no quick fix
Can't believe I bought this car, Pontiac G6
Like a G6, like a G6
Gonna be pushing it home, like a G6
Like a G6, like a G6
Gonna be pushing it home, like a G6

Replaced the Grand Am, goes out like a lamb
Got a GT model, Well it had a GT model
Car's so lame, given away by Oprah Winfrey
Nine out of ten owners, sport a cheesy goatee.

On the floor, yeah, we flooring it
Pull up to a light, no one wants to look at my car
Rev the engine, but no one wants to race my car
Chuckles and sneers, everyone pointing at my car

Sliding all over the ice, in a blizzard
To get in the backseat, be a wizard
Anytime you need repairs, ain't no quick fix
Can't believe I bought this car, Pontiac G6
Like a G6, like a G6
Gonna be pushing it home, like a G6
Like a G6, like a G6
Gonna be pushing it home, like a G6

Turn signal does not work, all stops are more of a jerk
All stops are more of a jerk, all stops are more of a jerk
Turn signal does not work, all stops are more of a jerk
All stops are more of a jerk, all stops are more of a jerk
Turn signal does not work, all stops are more of a jerk
All stops are more of a jerk, all stops are more of a jerk

Sliding all over the ice, in a blizzard
To get in the backseat, be a wizard
Anytime you need repairs, ain't no quick fix
Can't believe I bought this car, Pontiac G6
Like a G6, like a G6
Gonna be pushing it home, like a G6
Like a G6, like a G6
Gonna be pushing it home, like a G6

Friday, November 19, 2010

Chick Fil-A

Sure, they are good warm
But a couple cold chicken
sandwiches rock, too.

Bun, chicken, pickle
Three simple things needed to
make the best lunch. Yum.

I would do almost
anything to have a Chick
Fil-A in Lansing.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bonus Drunk Haiku

Forget running, I
am going to eat Chick Fil-A
all day and get fat.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Haiku Link

MGoBlog's annual Senior Day Haiku output.

Access Denied

Headed to Canada for a quick work trip
Truck fully loaded with a bunch of equip
Windsor or Sarnia, which would be quickest?
Windsor ruled out, their traffic the thickest.

As we drove, the fog finally lifted
Along 69, the truck never drifted.
Stopping for candy and a diet coke
Making good time, this trip is no joke.

Pull up to the border and things go awry
Questions and questions, where are we going and why?
This isn't going well, I have a bad feeling
Off to immigration to do our appealing.

Parked with our yellow note we head for the door
Up to the counter, let us in I implore.
Out come the laws, and books of regs
We've been here before, what's all this we beg?

But our pleas are met with a stern shake of the head
Leave at once or or else you'll be banned til you're dead.
Turned back around, we're headed stateside
Our work trip to Canada, access denied.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Haiku Friday?

Job interview nerves
Have me feeling like I should
Have a gin tonic.

Picking a tie is
not as easy as I thought.
Damn color blindness.

I feel like this is something I would have done had I went to Wisconsin. And been in a more creative mood than I've been. It's like "Baconators" only way better. And in video form:

Teach Me How to Bucky

Saturday, February 13, 2010

New Chips

Six new chips without
pictures (yet) await you at
my other cool blog.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Haiku Monday (Brief edition)

Idiot Passenger

Shut your stinkin' mouth
Don't tell me how to stow my
carry-on luggage.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Ode to Manny

Number 3 - Harris, Manny
Your ability to score, uncanny
A nickname, not your given name
From Corperryale you became
The league's best, most complete
Giving opponents another defeat
Whether shooting outside from twenty
Or finding teammates, assists a plenty
Slashing for a two point reward
Or grabbing double digit boards
Deflecting a pass meant to beat
Or a block that is oh so sweet
Banished for 11 years
Tournament bound will lead to tears
Leaving the opposition on it's fanny
Number 3 - Harris, Manny

Update - w00t after beating Clemson behind Manny's 23/7/7 line.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Haiku Monday (A Day Late)

At last, they come off
A night of fun concludes with
Map of Africa.

It's early morning
You carry your dress and heels
Shame walk veteran.

Snow snow snow snow snow
We've had a lot of fucking
Snow snow snow snow snow.

Monday, October 13, 2008


A name so brilliant, Heineken would be proud
A drink so smooth, you'll never notice you're plowed.

Flavors, not varied, but two done right
Choosing between them is sometimes a plight.

Slowly but surely distributed coast to coast
To drink, no longer requires a trip to the Post.

Besides being tasty, it's a fun name to say
Way better than ordering a goose that is grey.

My drink of choice used to be tonic and gin
But that's been replaced by anything with Effen.

Haiku Monday

Season Over

Holy Toledo
Wake me when it's time for hoops
What? We suck at that?

Twenty-four and oh
Ruined because of K.C.
Can this year get worse?


Twenty-five to one
The odds to start the season
Now six wins away


Three hundred to one
Tampa was an after-thought
Could make bettors rich.

Monday, September 29, 2008

The Comeback

19 down with 30 to play
This new Michigan in total disarray.
How in the world could they be this inept?
20 yards, 3 fumbles and 2 intercept.
Mistakes by all, the pigskin, must be greased.
100 thousand fans with tickets, all thought they were fleeced.
On the heels of a disaster down in South Bend
This fall from grace I could not comprehend.
I was a Badger score from turning off this game
Let's watch something else I'd surely proclaim.
But then it started, 6 points from the freshman tight end
The kick, good, and my mood was starting to mend.
Two holds by the defense and my heart rate increased
It was not long ago our chances had deceased.
And then, a bolt, two bolts of electric lightning
The first, a long run, Wisconsin was tightening.
4 seconds later and the lead changed hands
The oft quiet stadium, now rocking it's stands.
And who would have thought the hero would be
The ill-named linebacker nicknamed the Machete.
It wasn't quite over, each team scored after that,
But the Michigan defense never let Wiscy off the mat.
And for that off criticized middle linebacker
We toasted a beer to our aggressive attacker.
And then I was reminded of statements I made
About Forty-nine and how I wish he never played.
I don't recall saying that, but it's probably true
He had a big Iowa game, really his debut.
But since then, nothing, lots of empty afternoons.
I was wrong, tell Coach D to meet me at Ricks sometime soon.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Haiku Monday

Free Food

Potato Salad
At a music festival
Should be avoided

Snoop A Loop

Cans of Olde English
What's my motherfucking name
Snoop Dogg in Lansing

If you must take your
Newborn kid to see Snoop Dogg
Please don't sit near me.


Trashy girls look a
little better when wearing
Heels and cowboy hats


Kind of mailed in but
Should win the award for most
F-bombs and dick jokes.

Did you touch my drums?
Sleepwalking in the kitchen.
I'll lick the white poop.

I'm burying you.
My nutsack on your drum set.
Boats and Hoes forever.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Nike Driver

The head cover comes off, you are ready to rip
A huge drive will leave you off the green by a chip
But that's a pipe dream with this club
You'll probably end up underneath a shrub
But not a bush between you and your hole
So far right, it's a heckuva stroll
Good angle in, the rest of your foursome will say
What do they care, it's not the ball they'll play
You sit in your cart and wait for a different group to swing
Out into their fairway, your second shot you fling
Just to get out of everyone else's way
It's hole number one and your driver's done for the day.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Lonesome Lunch

I brought my lunch today
No fast food, bar or buffet.
A turkey sandwich and a coke
This will help me from going broke.

But as the noon hour got closer
I was starting to doubt my grocer.
My co-workers were heading out
Where should we go? I heard them shout.

They picked deli's and chain's
And one with meals from the Ukraine.
But it wasn't so much about the food
Leaving for a break helped lighten the mood.

They'd come back refreshed, ready for the next chore
While I picked up crumbs from my office floor.
As I wiped off my desk, I had a hunch
I would never again have a lonesome lunch.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Hot Dogs

There's nothing I won't do for a hot dog
A magical, sausage log.
Whether filled with cheese, or the normal meat mix
It's the one food I will constantly pick.
At home, on the road, or at the ballpark
The only dog in the world with no bark.
Cooked on a stove or the grill
Eating one's always a thrill
Especially out of the hot diggity dogger.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

DUI Stop

You know it won't work, yet you pop a penny in
But how is that going to mask all that gin?
You try to concentrate and make eye contact
But you can't help but stare at the lady cop's rack.
She asks you to step out and you take a deep breath
If you were choosing between jail, you'd surely take death.
Out comes a pen, to test your eyes' gaze
Two shots before leaving, have you in a haze.
And then comes the walk and turn, maybe this'll be easy
Heel to toe, heel to toe, you're starting to feel queasy.
Next you're asked to stand on leg one
And for the first time you notice, this cop has a gun.
Touch your finger to your nose, do it with your eyes closed
When's she going to figure out, you're completely hosed?
Counting backwards and letters in reverse are to follow
You are almost through it, you take big swallow.
Last but not least, is the vaunted PBT
You blow point oh seven, the cop sets you free.
Not a moment too soon, you phone starts to chime
And you make it to the next bar before closing time.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Dockers: Sick Day

The plan was hatched on a Thursday night
Let's all call in sick, do something tight.
All eagerly agreed and a meeting was set
Back here tomorrow, a promise not a threat.

The next day came and three arrived early
One came late, showed up feeling surly.
My boss is on to me, I think, he said
If he catches me out, there's no doubt I'll be dead.

Lunch at the bar was ruled out, he's always there
Sitting by himself, alone in a chair.
There's no way we could sneak in, all unnoticed
The four of us there? We'd stick out like a lotus.

What to do then? I don't want to waste a sick day
Let's do something cool, something with cache.
We could golf at the club, give that course a twirl
Can't, one said, last week I housed the beer girl.

So no lunch and no golf, options were running low
But only an hour away, there's a casino.
It's got liquor and gambling, a nice substitute
As a bonus, a chance to come home with some loot.

So it was settled, and the last beers were downed
Everyone was excited, they had optimism abound.
But the car wouldn't start, so once again they were stuck
On this particular sick day, the four had no luck.

Back inside, another beer was cracked
Conversations about which girl was more stacked.
But it was apparent they were thinking, this sick day blows
At least they were wearing some nice new chinos.

Friday, June 13, 2008

El Nino

You consist of two types of weekends
9 years is a career, not a trend.

The first is not as spectacular
But pulling a Sergio is now in my vernacular
An opening round approaching eight-oh
Another tournament you are sure to blow
Until a Friday score near the top
You make the cut, two more op's
To improve your score with little fanfare
Morning scores give the leaders a little scare
But you eventually finish mid-pack
A nice paycheck, you are no hack.

The second is much like the first, but in reverse
You start like a flash, in search of a prize purse
That will etch name among the greats
But winning a major is not your fate.
A third round lead is easily had
But bogey-free golf, for you, is a fad
Announcers switch from "Oh Sergio!!"
To "what's that a 7-iron? Oh no!!"
A slumped head atop your adidas gear
You just can't master the little white sphere.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Haiku Monday

Triple Crown
Not since Affirmed
Big Brown's hoof is a big deal
Bet on Casino

Blazing to a lead
He's moving like a machine

Pick 3
The same every year
It's always two firsts and a
second, oh so close

Singing Fraggle Rock
Chanting tase him to a cop
God Bless mint juleps

The Derby is over
They ran it yesterday
Let's go to Tootsies

Walking to Derby
His hat announced who he was
The Joint Commander

Saturday, May 31, 2008


It's a three run game and you take the field
But it's the other team who fails to yield
A lead-off walk is the way you start
This outing is not for the weak of heart
Behind in the count, you can't throw strikes
The fans grow restless, they do not like
You dance around the outside edge
It's almost like you've made a pledge
To allow the opponents their every wish
Runner after runner comes across the dish
Until it's over, you've given up the lead
You couldn't get 3 outs, couldn't do the deed
A wild celebration at home plate
But it's not for you, you struggle late
The loss is yours, you blew the game
The BS in the box score is your claim to fame.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Haiku Monday

P.U.B. Crawl
Anytime you end
at the Mayfair in Haslett
You've had a great crawl.

My Car
Why did I park it
One point five miles away
That was a fun run.

The color purple
Is not just a bad movie
It makes a sweet shirt.

To Walk or Not
If it's 3 a.m.
You want to avoid doing
Shiawassee Stroll.

No Admittance
When you can not say
It is all good in the hood
You won't be let in.

No Hills
What will I now watch
to get my fix of Lauren
Repeats don't cut it.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Refund Please

Refund Please

Cabrera and Willis? The rumors were flying.
Detroit in the series? I was certainly buying.
A call to Vegas was immediately made.
Lots of bets, sure to win, I was getting paid.

Spring Training came and I thought, let's bet more.
Sheff, Maggs, Cabrera, Guillen a powerful four.
And with a 1-2 punch to get things going
Surely in October, the champagne would be flowing.

And with the pitching addition of Dontrelle Willis
Other teams would be muttering, Detroit's gonna kill us.
Not even a closer with nary a fastball
Would be enough to keep this team from winning it all.

Opening day came, hooray, it's the Royals.
Wait, did they just get swept by the Royals?
And then it happened again, swept by the Sox
Verlander from Cy Young, to merely hurling rocks.

Historians said oh and six, bye bye series
Injuries? Big heads? Many many theories.
They'll come around, just look at those names
So many bound for the hall, they can still play this game.

With the bad start, I wasn't getting worried
The odds are even better, to the ATM I hurried
More and more cash shipped off to the book
Yes, the tigers to win, don't give me that look.

Just two years ago, they were oh so close.
But the pitcher's fielding was really pretty gross.
And then Grandy hits the ground, just couldn't get a grip.
I was there in person, what a messy trip.

But alas, it's now over... they haven't got a chance
I can no longer watch, I sit in a trance
And wonder, what went wrong, why are they so bad?
It's actually sort of funny, no longer makes me mad.

The middle of May saw another sweep by the Royals,
Not so surprising this time, but still, the Royals?
What's the cure? Another position switch for Miggy?
Maybe this team's stil haunted by the ghost of Bobby Higgy.

So now there's nothing left to do,
But stare at losing bet slips and stew.
I'd like a refund... send me back all my cheese.
I'll be waiting for a check from you Mr. Dombrowski.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Baconators, Mount Up!

Really rough draft of this one... fine-tuning to come.

Baconators, Mount up!

It was a clear black night
a clear white moon
Dougie Fresh was on the streets
trying to consume
a thousand calories
beef and cheese and bacon
just rollin in the benz
looking for wendys

Just hit the westside of Frandor
On a mission trying to find the redheaded sign
Seen the arches and the king, ain't no need to freak
All you bloods know what's up with the munchies.

So I hooks a left off the Four-three to Hayford
Some homeys eating Jimmy Johns, "you want some"?
I jumped out the ride
and said what's up
They handed me a four, so I said I'm stuck.

Had a few drinks, still okay to drive
Not to far to home, avoid hittin' the curb
can't stop thinking about melted cheese and such
I see dougy fresh eatin an imposter meal.

I'm getting full... I'm feeding myself...
I can't believe they taking my hunger
no onion rings, no pepperjack
I looked at the brotha said "damn, just chips?"

They fed my homey up, left extras around
they must not know the burger that's straight pound for pound
They wanna come up real fast... real freaky fast
Baconator out and laid them busters down.

They got subs to my mouth
I can't stop eating
I can't believe this happenin so close to wen'
If i had wings I would fly
let me contemplate
I glanced in the cut and I see a baconate

Bacon by the strip and two beef patties
kimmerly hates it when the burgers get cold
now they drooling and begging
it's a tad bit late
Dougy Fresh and GK had to baconate.

I ate all them burgers down
I let my gut explode
now I'm switching my mind back into sides mode
if you want fries sit back and observe
I just left a medium over there by the curb.

Green Light, Here I Come

Green Light, Here I Come

Relationship vacation is like a string of red lights
Everytime I see Heidi, it just leads to more and more fights.
I flew to Colorado to get this back on track,
Didn't go so well, another Montag attack.

Living with my sister really cramped my style,
Steph keeps hanging with Lauren, whom I totally revile.
I can't even find peace at the local coffee house either
Just take your bobo and leave... give me a breather.

It'd be so much easier if Brody was still my boy.
But in his eyes, I'm just the hoi polloi.
I should have never started the sex tape rumor
I wish these people would get a sense of humor.

So now what's a guy like me left to do?
Heidi went to Vegas, left me feeling blue.
Maybe a roadtrip would be the cure to all my ills.
I have to show Heidi that I haven't lost my skills.

But no one will go with me, I haven't got a friend
I guess I'll take my sis, maybe we can mend.
It's time to end this silly relationship vacation
Without my soul mate, what's to come of this Speidi creation?

It's just a five hour drive, bet I can make it in four,
Stop talking about fashion school, god my sis is such a bore.
Lauren said it once, "she tried to ruin my life."
If this fails, I'll repeat it and add, she'll never be my wife.

We finally hit the strip, getting closer by the second.
She'll be thrilled to see me, that is what I reckon.
No meeting with Bolthouse can keep me from my love,
Damn, what is with this stoplight, hanging from above.

Sitting and waiting, so many thoughts run through my head
We have to get back together, we have to break some bread.
I'm starting to get nervous, I could leave feeling numb.
This is taking forever, yes! Green light, here I come.

So Long

So Long

I stare longingly at the empty space you've left,
It couldn't have been easy, you had great heft.
Many a man plied you with sweet talk and a buck,
They'd roll the wheel, hope to be awestruck.
But you were special. To me.
Why couldn't they let you be?
We had a thing that was better than the rest,
My initials carved in, one of the best.
No sensation was greater than filling the hole.
Two in a row, three in a row, I was on a roll.
Never as good as LTB, but I didn't have to be,
Just to be in your presence was good enough for me.
The new year brought rumors you'd be gone.
Coping wouldn't be easy, maybe the day wouldn't dawn.
But you stuck around, never wanting to leave,
It seems I was granted a reprieve.
Then a text last night, it was over.
Were you headed to that place near Dover ?
It doesn't really matter, since you and I are done.
Oh sure, random future get togethers would be fun.
But let's face it, it wasn't meant to be.
A short time was packed with memories, of you and me.
And even the times when we added a third or a fourth.
Or a fifth. Or drank a fifth. Only to eventually head north.
I'm accepting your fate now...
I know it's for the best somehow.
No longer does the news make me want to shout.
Instead, a little liquor I'll sadly pour out.

RIP Bags. The Pub will never be the same.