Effen

A name so brilliant, Heineken would be proud
A drink so smooth, you'll never notice you're plowed.

Flavors, not varied, but two done right
Choosing between them is sometimes a plight.

Slowly but surely distributed coast to coast
To drink, no longer requires a trip to the Post.

Besides being tasty, it's a fun name to say
Way better than ordering a goose that is grey.

My drink of choice used to be tonic and gin
But that's been replaced by anything with Effen.

Haiku Monday

Season Over

Holy Toledo
Wake me when it's time for hoops
What? We suck at that?

Twenty-four and oh
Ruined because of K.C.
Can this year get worse?

NLCS

Twenty-five to one
The odds to start the season
Now six wins away

ALCS

Three hundred to one
Tampa was an after-thought
Could make bettors rich.

The Comeback

19 down with 30 to play
This new Michigan in total disarray.
How in the world could they be this inept?
20 yards, 3 fumbles and 2 intercept.
Mistakes by all, the pigskin, must be greased.
100 thousand fans with tickets, all thought they were fleeced.
On the heels of a disaster down in South Bend
This fall from grace I could not comprehend.
I was a Badger score from turning off this game
Let's watch something else I'd surely proclaim.
But then it started, 6 points from the freshman tight end
The kick, good, and my mood was starting to mend.
Two holds by the defense and my heart rate increased
It was not long ago our chances had deceased.
And then, a bolt, two bolts of electric lightning
The first, a long run, Wisconsin was tightening.
4 seconds later and the lead changed hands
The oft quiet stadium, now rocking it's stands.
And who would have thought the hero would be
The ill-named linebacker nicknamed the Machete.
It wasn't quite over, each team scored after that,
But the Michigan defense never let Wiscy off the mat.
And for that off criticized middle linebacker
We toasted a beer to our aggressive attacker.
And then I was reminded of statements I made
About Forty-nine and how I wish he never played.
I don't recall saying that, but it's probably true
He had a big Iowa game, really his debut.
But since then, nothing, lots of empty afternoons.
I was wrong, tell Coach D to meet me at Ricks sometime soon.

Haiku Monday

Free Food

Potato Salad
At a music festival
Should be avoided

Snoop A Loop

Cans of Olde English
What's my motherfucking name
Snoop Dogg in Lansing

If you must take your
Newborn kid to see Snoop Dogg
Please don't sit near me.

Country

Trashy girls look a
little better when wearing
Heels and cowboy hats

Stepbrothers

Kind of mailed in but
Should win the award for most
F-bombs and dick jokes.

Did you touch my drums?
Sleepwalking in the kitchen.
I'll lick the white poop.

I'm burying you.
My nutsack on your drum set.
Boats and Hoes forever.

Nike Driver

The head cover comes off, you are ready to rip
A huge drive will leave you off the green by a chip
But that's a pipe dream with this club
You'll probably end up underneath a shrub
But not a bush between you and your hole
So far right, it's a heckuva stroll
Good angle in, the rest of your foursome will say
What do they care, it's not the ball they'll play
You sit in your cart and wait for a different group to swing
Out into their fairway, your second shot you fling
Just to get out of everyone else's way
It's hole number one and your driver's done for the day.

Lonesome Lunch

I brought my lunch today
No fast food, bar or buffet.
A turkey sandwich and a coke
This will help me from going broke.

But as the noon hour got closer
I was starting to doubt my grocer.
My co-workers were heading out
Where should we go? I heard them shout.

They picked deli's and chain's
And one with meals from the Ukraine.
But it wasn't so much about the food
Leaving for a break helped lighten the mood.

They'd come back refreshed, ready for the next chore
While I picked up crumbs from my office floor.
As I wiped off my desk, I had a hunch
I would never again have a lonesome lunch.

Hot Dogs

There's nothing I won't do for a hot dog
A magical, sausage log.
Whether filled with cheese, or the normal meat mix
It's the one food I will constantly pick.
At home, on the road, or at the ballpark
The only dog in the world with no bark.
Cooked on a stove or the grill
Eating one's always a thrill
Especially out of the hot diggity dogger.

DUI Stop

You know it won't work, yet you pop a penny in
But how is that going to mask all that gin?
You try to concentrate and make eye contact
But you can't help but stare at the lady cop's rack.
She asks you to step out and you take a deep breath
If you were choosing between jail, you'd surely take death.
Out comes a pen, to test your eyes' gaze
Two shots before leaving, have you in a haze.
And then comes the walk and turn, maybe this'll be easy
Heel to toe, heel to toe, you're starting to feel queasy.
Next you're asked to stand on leg one
And for the first time you notice, this cop has a gun.
Touch your finger to your nose, do it with your eyes closed
When's she going to figure out, you're completely hosed?
Counting backwards and letters in reverse are to follow
You are almost through it, you take big swallow.
Last but not least, is the vaunted PBT
You blow point oh seven, the cop sets you free.
Not a moment too soon, you phone starts to chime
And you make it to the next bar before closing time.

Dockers: Sick Day

The plan was hatched on a Thursday night
Let's all call in sick, do something tight.
All eagerly agreed and a meeting was set
Back here tomorrow, a promise not a threat.

The next day came and three arrived early
One came late, showed up feeling surly.
My boss is on to me, I think, he said
If he catches me out, there's no doubt I'll be dead.

Lunch at the bar was ruled out, he's always there
Sitting by himself, alone in a chair.
There's no way we could sneak in, all unnoticed
The four of us there? We'd stick out like a lotus.

What to do then? I don't want to waste a sick day
Let's do something cool, something with cache.
We could golf at the club, give that course a twirl
Can't, one said, last week I housed the beer girl.

So no lunch and no golf, options were running low
But only an hour away, there's a casino.
It's got liquor and gambling, a nice substitute
As a bonus, a chance to come home with some loot.

So it was settled, and the last beers were downed
Everyone was excited, they had optimism abound.
But the car wouldn't start, so once again they were stuck
On this particular sick day, the four had no luck.

Back inside, another beer was cracked
Conversations about which girl was more stacked.
But it was apparent they were thinking, this sick day blows
At least they were wearing some nice new chinos.

El Nino

You consist of two types of weekends
9 years is a career, not a trend.

The first is not as spectacular
But pulling a Sergio is now in my vernacular
An opening round approaching eight-oh
Another tournament you are sure to blow
Until a Friday score near the top
You make the cut, two more op's
To improve your score with little fanfare
Morning scores give the leaders a little scare
But you eventually finish mid-pack
A nice paycheck, you are no hack.

The second is much like the first, but in reverse
You start like a flash, in search of a prize purse
That will etch name among the greats
But winning a major is not your fate.
A third round lead is easily had
But bogey-free golf, for you, is a fad
Announcers switch from "Oh Sergio!!"
To "what's that a 7-iron? Oh no!!"
A slumped head atop your adidas gear
You just can't master the little white sphere.

Haiku Monday

Triple Crown
Not since Affirmed
Big Brown's hoof is a big deal
Bet on Casino

Superhorse
Blazing to a lead
He's moving like a machine
Secretariat

Pick 3
The same every year
It's always two firsts and a
second, oh so close

Infield
Singing Fraggle Rock
Chanting tase him to a cop
God Bless mint juleps

Tootsies
The Derby is over
They ran it yesterday
Let's go to Tootsies

JC
Walking to Derby
His hat announced who he was
The Joint Commander

BS

It's a three run game and you take the field
But it's the other team who fails to yield
A lead-off walk is the way you start
This outing is not for the weak of heart
Behind in the count, you can't throw strikes
The fans grow restless, they do not like
You dance around the outside edge
It's almost like you've made a pledge
To allow the opponents their every wish
Runner after runner comes across the dish
Until it's over, you've given up the lead
You couldn't get 3 outs, couldn't do the deed
A wild celebration at home plate
But it's not for you, you struggle late
The loss is yours, you blew the game
The BS in the box score is your claim to fame.

Haiku Monday

P.U.B. Crawl
Anytime you end
at the Mayfair in Haslett
You've had a great crawl.

My Car
Why did I park it
One point five miles away
That was a fun run.

Shirts
The color purple
Is not just a bad movie
It makes a sweet shirt.

To Walk or Not
If it's 3 a.m.
You want to avoid doing
Shiawassee Stroll.

No Admittance
When you can not say
It is all good in the hood
You won't be let in.

No Hills
What will I now watch
to get my fix of Lauren
Repeats don't cut it.

Refund Please

Refund Please

Cabrera and Willis? The rumors were flying.
Detroit in the series? I was certainly buying.
A call to Vegas was immediately made.
Lots of bets, sure to win, I was getting paid.

Spring Training came and I thought, let's bet more.
Sheff, Maggs, Cabrera, Guillen a powerful four.
And with a 1-2 punch to get things going
Surely in October, the champagne would be flowing.

And with the pitching addition of Dontrelle Willis
Other teams would be muttering, Detroit's gonna kill us.
Not even a closer with nary a fastball
Would be enough to keep this team from winning it all.

Opening day came, hooray, it's the Royals.
Wait, did they just get swept by the Royals?
And then it happened again, swept by the Sox
Verlander from Cy Young, to merely hurling rocks.

Historians said oh and six, bye bye series
Injuries? Big heads? Many many theories.
They'll come around, just look at those names
So many bound for the hall, they can still play this game.

With the bad start, I wasn't getting worried
The odds are even better, to the ATM I hurried
More and more cash shipped off to the book
Yes, the tigers to win, don't give me that look.

Just two years ago, they were oh so close.
But the pitcher's fielding was really pretty gross.
And then Grandy hits the ground, just couldn't get a grip.
I was there in person, what a messy trip.

But alas, it's now over... they haven't got a chance
I can no longer watch, I sit in a trance
And wonder, what went wrong, why are they so bad?
It's actually sort of funny, no longer makes me mad.

The middle of May saw another sweep by the Royals,
Not so surprising this time, but still, the Royals?
What's the cure? Another position switch for Miggy?
Maybe this team's stil haunted by the ghost of Bobby Higgy.

So now there's nothing left to do,
But stare at losing bet slips and stew.
I'd like a refund... send me back all my cheese.
I'll be waiting for a check from you Mr. Dombrowski.

Baconators, Mount Up!

Really rough draft of this one... fine-tuning to come.


Baconators, Mount up!

It was a clear black night
a clear white moon
Dougie Fresh was on the streets
trying to consume
a thousand calories
beef and cheese and bacon
just rollin in the benz
looking for wendys

Just hit the westside of Frandor
On a mission trying to find the redheaded sign
Seen the arches and the king, ain't no need to freak
All you bloods know what's up with the munchies.

So I hooks a left off the Four-three to Hayford
Some homeys eating Jimmy Johns, "you want some"?
I jumped out the ride
and said what's up
They handed me a four, so I said I'm stuck.

Had a few drinks, still okay to drive
Not to far to home, avoid hittin' the curb
can't stop thinking about melted cheese and such
I see dougy fresh eatin an imposter meal.

I'm getting full... I'm feeding myself...
I can't believe they taking my hunger
no onion rings, no pepperjack
I looked at the brotha said "damn, just chips?"

They fed my homey up, left extras around
they must not know the burger that's straight pound for pound
They wanna come up real fast... real freaky fast
Baconator out and laid them busters down.

They got subs to my mouth
I can't stop eating
I can't believe this happenin so close to wen'
If i had wings I would fly
let me contemplate
I glanced in the cut and I see a baconate

Bacon by the strip and two beef patties
kimmerly hates it when the burgers get cold
now they drooling and begging
it's a tad bit late
Dougy Fresh and GK had to baconate.

I ate all them burgers down
I let my gut explode
now I'm switching my mind back into sides mode
if you want fries sit back and observe
I just left a medium over there by the curb.

Green Light, Here I Come

Green Light, Here I Come

Relationship vacation is like a string of red lights
Everytime I see Heidi, it just leads to more and more fights.
I flew to Colorado to get this back on track,
Didn't go so well, another Montag attack.

Living with my sister really cramped my style,
Steph keeps hanging with Lauren, whom I totally revile.
I can't even find peace at the local coffee house either
Just take your bobo and leave... give me a breather.

It'd be so much easier if Brody was still my boy.
But in his eyes, I'm just the hoi polloi.
I should have never started the sex tape rumor
I wish these people would get a sense of humor.

So now what's a guy like me left to do?
Heidi went to Vegas, left me feeling blue.
Maybe a roadtrip would be the cure to all my ills.
I have to show Heidi that I haven't lost my skills.

But no one will go with me, I haven't got a friend
I guess I'll take my sis, maybe we can mend.
It's time to end this silly relationship vacation
Without my soul mate, what's to come of this Speidi creation?

It's just a five hour drive, bet I can make it in four,
Stop talking about fashion school, god my sis is such a bore.
Lauren said it once, "she tried to ruin my life."
If this fails, I'll repeat it and add, she'll never be my wife.

We finally hit the strip, getting closer by the second.
She'll be thrilled to see me, that is what I reckon.
No meeting with Bolthouse can keep me from my love,
Damn, what is with this stoplight, hanging from above.

Sitting and waiting, so many thoughts run through my head
We have to get back together, we have to break some bread.
I'm starting to get nervous, I could leave feeling numb.
This is taking forever, yes! Green light, here I come.

So Long

So Long

I stare longingly at the empty space you've left,
It couldn't have been easy, you had great heft.
Many a man plied you with sweet talk and a buck,
They'd roll the wheel, hope to be awestruck.
But you were special. To me.
Why couldn't they let you be?
We had a thing that was better than the rest,
My initials carved in, one of the best.
No sensation was greater than filling the hole.
Two in a row, three in a row, I was on a roll.
Never as good as LTB, but I didn't have to be,
Just to be in your presence was good enough for me.
The new year brought rumors you'd be gone.
Coping wouldn't be easy, maybe the day wouldn't dawn.
But you stuck around, never wanting to leave,
It seems I was granted a reprieve.
Then a text last night, it was over.
Were you headed to that place near Dover ?
It doesn't really matter, since you and I are done.
Oh sure, random future get togethers would be fun.
But let's face it, it wasn't meant to be.
A short time was packed with memories, of you and me.
And even the times when we added a third or a fourth.
Or a fifth. Or drank a fifth. Only to eventually head north.
I'm accepting your fate now...
I know it's for the best somehow.
No longer does the news make me want to shout.
Instead, a little liquor I'll sadly pour out.

RIP Bags. The Pub will never be the same.