Happy Festivus

The pole, feats of strength
and airing of grievances
Happy Festivus!

U.P. State of Mind

(Yes, I realize these stopped being funny 2 years ago.)

Yeah Yeah, I'ma up at the Sault, now I'm down in Marquette
Right next to the Gipper, but I hate Notre Dame forever
I'm the new James Tolkan, 'cept with a lot more hair
Can you believe it's $3.50, yeah that's the bridge fair?

I used to walk to Hob Nob, with all of my Yooper cousins
Right there up on 13th, buying cards by the dozens
Now I hit casinos, King's Club or the Island
The only places in the state where you can still puff a smoke.

Standing at the Soo locks, watching water fill it up
Rising so slow, might see yourself a bear cub
Me, I'm up at Ishpe, birthplace of Seaborgium
I bet you didn't know that's where Seaborg's from.

Say what up to Izzo, still playing bingo
Haven't had a governor since the days of Jim Crow
Get yourself a pasty, better than the lake trout
Tell by my accent that I'm most definitely from

The U.P. Pine Mountain Jump ain't nothing to sneeze at
Two hundred feet way up, now you're a yooper
Almost became its' own state, Jacobetti will have to wait
Let's hear it for U.P., U.P., U.P.

Catch me in the woods with some friends for a deer hunt
Never leave the cabin 'cause we're drunk and there's a cold front
Snow piled high, yo, can't even see the mailbox
Only thing that warms you up is a double whiskey on the rocks.

Welcome to the Yooper Dome, it's got 5 acres to roam
Made entirely of wood, home of the Wildcats
Downhill ski, cross country, snowmobiles, and snow shoes
Up here, we're in a constant state of winter wonderland, yo.

200 waterfalls, up here in the U.P.
Don't have time to see them all, even though it is free
Me, I gotta say my fav was Tahquamenon
Way better than Niagara, New York should pass the baton.

Traded for Toledo, take that you Buckeyes
Wouldn't give it back, no not even for Cleveland
Mackinac Island, Pictured Rocks of Munising
I'm from the tippy-top of the Great Lakes state that's

The U.P. Lake Superior ain't nothing to swim in
Never gets above sixty, now you're a yooper
Smoked fish sold at the gas and go, frostbite on all your toes
Let's hear it for U.P., U.P., U.P.

A Hex(or) on my Flexor

I awoke on a Wednesday and something was wrong
Pain in my leg, I hope it doesn't last long
It was a struggle just to roll out of bed
My right peg was acting as if it was dead
Shuffle to the shower and try to jump in
But my day of pain was just set to begin
Unable to lift much more than an inch
Just putting on a sock would cause me to flinch
Getting into the car was also a chore
Having to lift my dead leg inside of the door
Everywhere I walked, I was forced to go slow
As I dragged my injured leg, right down to the toe
So what was the source of my infinite pain?
My hip flexor surely has a humongous strain.

World Cup

A decent 2010 for the red, white and blue
Excitement at levels to the signing of Adu.
A bid for the Cup in 12 years made sense.
FIFA would do right, they couldn't be that dense.
So Clinton and Freeman arrived with a plan
To win they'd have to best Australia, Qatar and Japan.
Japan hosted just 8 years ago, it's been twice that for the US
The Aussies have come on, but they weren't a success.
It wasn't a lock, but it seemed the right choice
When they made the announcement, a country would rejoice
But Blatter pulled a fast one, his decision quite bizarre
The 2022 World Cup is headed to Qatar.